“Sometimes You Git the B’ar…”

…and sometimes the depression gits you.

That’s the thing about depression, really: it makes everything seem worthless. It brings everything down to a level and that level is awful. It’s like being in a world where everything is that terrible food you have to keep eating in nightmares sometimes: tasteless and cloying and you just can’t stop. It’s horrible, and you know it’s horrible, but that doesn’t make a difference.

And then, of course, there’s the additional problem that the more you don’t do the things you should be doing, the worse you feel about it and the less you want to go back and get caught up or fill in the blanks because you feel so badly about it, so you don’t do it, and the list of things you haven’t done keeps getting longer and the cycle keeps getting longer because there are more things you have to be ashamed of and–

Even writing this post is hard: I keep finding other things that I just have to do right now. I haven’t gotten to cleaning the bathroom yet, but it’s possible that will happen. (I’ve never gotten so desperate as to scrub the floor, but I imagine it’s only a matter of time.)

And while I have been able to keep myself doing research reading — sporadically — posting here has been more than I can do. IRL, I work two jobs and both of them are very chaotic right now; this helps my general mental state not at all because it’s sort of like standing on one of those roll’y boards physical therapists put you on to help you regain balance, but all the time and with both feet.

Honestly, news out of Romancelandia hasn’t exactly been encouraging either. I realise that the 2010s are more or less one huge unmitigated garbage fire but the whole mess around the RITAs and far too many “Nice White Ladies” ™ pointing out that “They’re not racist but–” and “but everyone gay was miserable in the past” was just more than I could deal with this month.

So, yeah. It’s been a bog. An unpleasant bog. (If you’re a child of the ’80s, you’re thinking of that bog right now and you’re probably not far off.)

But I promised myself I would pursue this and I’m bloody well going to do it so here we are again.

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Faute de Mieux II

[The next few hundred words of actual story for you this week. Remember: this is a Beyond Zeroeth Draft and should be read as such!]

Once they’re actually on deck, Simon’s hand still under his elbow, Benjamin has to admit it isn’t…entirely terrible. The sea is smooth and calm, the steady breeze over the rail is much to be preferred to the stuffy cabin, and Simon has managed to find peppermint tea.

Benjamin cradles the glass and only looks up from his contemplation of the floating leaves when Simon laughs. Again. Oddly, Benjamin doesn’t mind so much when Simon laughs at him.

‘I’ve never seen you look so happy. Here — sit down.’ Simon waves him over to a deck chair and sits on the one beside it.

Benjamin sits down carefully. ‘You only met me five days ago.’

‘Well, yes, but if I’d known mint tea would cheer you up so much, I’d’ve gone looking for it days ago.’

Benjamin shrugs. ‘My grandmother grew it in her garden — it was her remedy of choice for anything short of a broken leg.’

‘Ah, Eddes — glad to see you’re still with us.’

Benjamin looks up and, automatically, tries to stand but Professor Tregold waves to him to stay where he is. ‘Yes, sir — I’m so sorry not to have been able to do the essay — I –‘

Tregold waves the essay away as well. ‘Maberley’s the one in charge of all that; I doubt he’ll hold you responsible for working while seasick. Hollingshead.’ This last with a nod to the tall young man who strolls up with Preble and Williams in tow.

‘So we haven’t lost you yet, Benjy?’ Hollingshead inquires, hands in his pockets.

‘Not quite yet, no.’ Benjamin takes a swallow of the mint tea to give himself something to do and blesses his luck that Simon asks Tregold about their first site visit. Maberley comes up while Tregold is enthusing about the Valley of the Kings. He listens for a moment then, shaking his head slightly, comes to the side of Benjamin’s chair.

‘Are you feeling better, Eddes?’

Benjamin nods. ‘A — a little, sir. Carruthers was worried I was going moldy, so he insisted I come up on deck.’ He gestures with the half-empty tea glass. ‘It’s better than I thought.’

‘Mm.’ Maberley glances up and takes a survey of the horizon and nods. ‘You and I will have to talk about catching you up on the background work before we leave the city.’

‘Of course.’ Benjamin thinks of the books he had tucked into every possible corner of his suitcase and hopes they’re the right ones.

‘I’m sure you and I brought different volumes with us,’ Simon says quietly, leaning forward as Maberley and Tregold get caught up in a discussion about the hotel and room arrangements. ‘If you need anything of mine, just say.’

There’s a loud click and Benjamin looks up in time to see Smythe fiddling with his photographic apparatus.

‘I see we’re to be well-documented,’ Professor Maberley says; Professor Tregold doesn’t look entirely pleased but says nothing and Hollingshead — of course, Benjamin thinks — immediately strikes a pose against the rail.

~~~

By the time they actually get into the hotel rooms in Jaffa, Benjamin is convinced that he never wants to travel again. He’s tired and dusty and footsore; his luggage has added at least ten pounds a piece; and he is going to find a way to trip Hollingshead if the man doesn’t stop prancing because he was the only one of them with enough money in his pocket to hire a porter.

It gives Benjamin some small amount of comfort that the dons, too, are lugging their own belongings.

~~~

The pitcher of clear water and the clean towel in the room are such a relief that the first thing he can think to do is rinse his face and hands. It isn’t until he emerges from the folds of the towel that he realises Carruthers is in the room and, again, smiling at him.

‘Enjoying yourself?’ he asks, dropping his own bag by the side of the narrow bed closest to the door.

Benjamin coughs and swipes at his chin, sure that there’s water running down his throat and he’s probably ruined his collar. The collar has been a mistake to start with, to be sure; he won’t bother with one again. ‘Well. The fittings on the ship were hardly — generous.’

‘Adequate, at best,’ Carruthers agrees, wandering over to the window and pushing open the carved shutter.

Benjamin watches him lean out over the broad sill, apparently watching the street below, and buries his face in the towel again to give himself a moment.

He’s been aware of his particular tastes since he was fourteen and aware that he had better keep them well-hidden since he was sixteen. If he’s very lucky, then rooming with Carruthers will bring to light some terrible flaw in the man’s character that will allow Benjamin to take the step back he knows he needs to.

‘Well.’ Carruthers claps his hands on the window sill and turns back into the room. ‘What do you say to some dinner?’

‘Oh — er –‘ Benjamin blinks and refolds the towel with more care than is strictly necessary to give himself time to think.

He has enough money for this trip — just enough. It wasn’t that his father expected him to starve or live off bread and cheese or anything like that but the thought of going down into the dining room and facing the frantic calculations in foreign mathematics over what would be the cheapest dish on the menu–

‘My treat.’

‘What?’ Benjamin blinks again.

‘My treat,’ Simon repeats. ‘You haven’t had a square meal since we left England.’

How To Tell What You’re Looking For

I still haven’t quite gotten into the stride of this yet; it’s been a long time since I wrote regular blog posts for anything except a job and it’s more difficult than I anticipated getting back into the habit. So this week, I thought I’d write about something that I always have thoughts on: research.

It depends on how you look at it whether the early research on any project is a challenge or an opportunity or a challenging opportunity. Some folks hate it: it’s too disorganized, too many rabbitholes, too many dead ends. Others love it: everything’s wide open, full of potential, it’s all related. I generally fall into the second category but I admit to suffering from anxiety because of the stage I think of as ‘thrashing around’ and TNP is still very much in the ‘thrashing around’ stages.

‘Thrashing around’ describes the stage where you’re opening library catalogs and putting in the broadest possible terms (“Middle East — history”) to describe the subject matter you’re working on (or want to work on) and then scrolling endlessly through results until it starts to feel like the entire world is made up of things that relate to your topic but not anything actually helpful and you lose all hope and— No. Wait. You definitely do not lose hope, but overwhelm is a very real thing. If you’re like me and tend to think laterally as a matter of habit, everything seems related.

If all goes well, ‘thrashing around’ can turn out to be a really productive part of the process, rather like mind-mapping or the kind of collation of research ideas that Raul Pacheco-Vega describes so well on his blog. (Seriously, if you’re into research methods and you don’t know his blog yet, you have a treat coming.) Just from doing library or Google searches, you can start to get a feeling for what’s connected to what or, as importantly, what people think is connected to what. (That’s probably a whole ‘nother blog post: discriminating between what is actually connected and what has become connected through, shall we say, the (dubious) wisdom of the crowd.)

But it can also feel like getting a waterfall dumped on your head when what you wanted was a spritz in the face and your actual desired topic starts to feel so far off it’s like you’ll never get to it at all. However. The only thing to be done — unless you decide to give up altogether — is to keep going, make your lists, make your notes, refine your searches, and trust that the process works because it has worked before.

Faute de Mieux

[So I have nothing exciting from the research front to tell you this week and missed my self-imposed deadline (!) at that, so here: the first 500(-ish) words of the story. Now mind: this isn’t even a Shitty First Draft ™: this is a Beyond Zeroeth Draft and should be read as such!]

‘Benjamin.’ Eddes holds out his hand without much hope of a return.

‘Simon Carruthers.’ He smiles and gives Eddes’ hand a firm, momentary grip. ‘I don’t think I know you — are you just up?’

‘Oh–‘ Hollingshead’s cologne precedes him by at least four steps and Benjamin feels his arm drape heavily across his shoulders. ‘–Benjy here is our charity case for the summer. Aren’t you, Benjy boy?’

Benjamin grits his teeth and, from the reservoirs of deep practice, summons up a smile. ‘I suppose I am, really.’ He hears Hollingshead’s chuckle and resists the urge to drive his elbow into the other man’s stomach. It wouldn’t help anyway; he had tried that all through school and it never worked. ‘No, I’m not a fresher. I just — live in town. I spend most of my time in [the library]. When I’m not in tutorial.’

Simon nods. ‘Well, I’m still surprised I haven’t seen you before.’ He leans in slightly as if conveying a secret. ‘I work in [the library], you see.’

Hollingshead snorts, and Benjamin can almost hear him rolling his eyes. ‘You two should get along wonderfully, then. Plenty to talk about — you can share tips on the cheapest places to get your kit.’

Simon pats the strap of a duffel over his shoulder. ‘Got it already, actually, so, no tips needed.’

‘All right, lads–‘ Professor Tregold’s voice rings out from the bottom of the boarding ramp. ‘Time to get on board if we don’t want to get left.’

~~~

By the time they’re halfway to Jaffa, Benjamin knows that Simon prefers coffee to tea, is fascinated by religious iconography, sleeps with his socks on, and is immune to seasickness. The tiny cabin they share, however, makes it impossible for him to hide the fact that he is not immune to seasickness.

‘Oh—‘ Benjamin groans and tries to turn over to bury his face in the pillow. The sudden flood of light from the door and the waft of fresh air is almost enough to set his stomach off again.

‘Come on–‘ There’s a hand on his shoulder. ‘Come on, time to get up.’

‘Are we in port yet?’

‘Three days out.’

‘Then come get me in three days.’

Simon laughs. ‘I’m worried you’ll have gone bad by that time. Come on — the sea’s lovely and smooth. No-one could get sick on a day like this.’

Benjamin cracks open one eye and peers up at him. Simon looks disgustingly well: shaved, bathed, dressed, and almost as though he’s enjoying himself. ‘Has anyone ever told you you’re a horrible person?’

Simon laughs again. ‘Many, many times. Now come on — up you get!’

Hello

So I bet you’re wondering what I have to show for my first two-weeks-and-some-odd-days worth of work.

Well, I took pictures for you.

That’s it. That, and an additional four books on the library shelf (and one e-book not on any shelf because that’s not how those work). Now, were I a fiction writer first and a historian second, I imagine this might be different — or perhaps not, given that I’ve decided to write about a gender that is not mine in a place I have never been during a time I will never know. And I’ve been worrying about that a lot in the last two weeks, especially once the books I requested started coming in and I started having specifics to really worry about.

If you’re curious about what those four books are, by the way, I’m keeping a running spreadsheet of titles here and I made a Goodreads shelf, too. I’m happy to take suggestions!

To continue the main thought, I foresee a lot of internal wrestling with the ‘stay in your lane’ philosophy in my future. If you happen to be unfamilar with this phrase, then A) lucky you and B) have a quick’n’dirty definition from Urban Dictionary.

I have a rough relationship with this particular framing because I understand where it comes from, I can see the good it does (plus it’s kind of fun to say), but I also think it can be weaponized in a really unhelpful way. Much like all frameworks, I suppose: you can always use them to crack someone over the head if that’s what you want to do.

The best solution to the dilemma presented by ‘stay in your lane’ seems to me — and I have seen other people say this, too, which has been validating — to be research. Do your homework, essentially, and your lane widens — or, if it doesn’t widen, it at least has some other lanes running through it, giving you some different paving options to enjoy.

Or it’s possible I’m pushing the metaphor too far.

Map of the Middle East in 1920.

In any case, in order to make myself comfortable with putting this story out in the wild to any degree, I have to be able to assure myself that the homework is done, the boxes are checked, and my historical (1920s) gay romance featuring two Cambridge students, one from Kent, one from Damascus, falling in love while on an academic tour that starts in Turkey and ends in Egypt sits on at least a moderately sound pile of receipts.

Now, of course, the problem that runs parallel to this one (and one which most academics know to some degree) is that research is so easy in comparison to writing. You can just keep making reading lists and accumulating notes and sending ILL requests and soon you’re like Casaubon in Middlemarch and no-one will come to tea with you.

And this is a problem to which I know I am very subject. My master’s thesis took at least a year longer than it really needed to because I just had to spend more time with my primary sources and, look, was that a new book that was tangentially related to the subject and so on and so forth. That also had to do with a lot of anxiety about searching for “real jobs” (whatever those are) and making decisions about further graduate schooling and so on, but I know I still do it because I catch myself doing it at work. (I’m a processing archivist, by the way, if you didn’t know, and a digital library project co-ordinator.)

Me: ‘Oh, look, there’s one more obituary of X Individual that might maybe–‘

Also me: ‘You’ve read five different obituaries and unless this was written by X Individual before their death, it’s just going to be the same paragraphs, possibly in the same order. Call it.’

Me (sighing deeply): ‘Okay. Fine.’

I haven’t reached that point here yet and I’m hoping that keeping myself accountable (even if just to the inside of my own head) via these blog posts will help me recognize the point when it arrives.

In housekeeping news, I’ve decided that two weeks is too long a stretch between posts. It builds up too much expectation on my part for producing this marvellously thought out essay on the creative process that is pretty unlikely to happen. Instead I’m going to aim for a weekly posting on Fridays, so I’ll see you next week!

 

Introductory

So here’s the thing.

I have a quarter-written M/M historical romance sitting in my Google Drive and I want to finish it. So why don’t I, you ask? Well, I have a condition called Jerkbrain™ which makes it difficult for me to do things that aren’t work. In real world terms, I have clinical depression and some accompanying executive function issues that make it hard for me to give myself permission to do things that aren’t paid, contracted, 9-to-5-style work.

My plan is to use this site (blog, mostly, to start with, I imagine) as an accountability tool to keep me moving ahead from research reading list to (I hope) completed story. I intend to give you access to whatever I’m doing: putting together the aforesaid reading list, research process thoughts, drafts, editing, whatever comes up, you get to see. My plan is to start with a bi-weekly posting schedule starting on January 18, 2019. I don’t know what that January 18th post will be, mind you, but it will be something!

And just to give you a taste of what’s coming… The story as it currently stands is two twenty-something British young men on an educational tour of the Middle East in the early 1920s. One thing leads to another and a relationship and sexy times result.

Please leave any questions, comments, chocolate chip cookies you may have lying about the place — if nothing else, I’ve had this idea in my head for so long, I imagine I’ve left out the interesting bits.

In any case, I’ll definitely see you on January 18th!